And so my journey begins...

A continuation of my life from yesterday. Today, I made a decision - to really allow myself to experience my own journey. To step outside the box. To make myself uncomfortable, so that I may find "my place" in this world.

I've considered blogging or journaling so many times, but I've chickened out on most occasions. I'm a step closer by actually typing these words, but we'll see if I'm brave enough to actually share them. I'm not really sure what my vision for this blog is, but I finally decided that if nothing else, it will be therapeutic for me. If I relate to someone else in the process and help someone along their journey, that's my jackpot! Though I sometimes feel alone in my experiences, I know that I'm not. I'm definitely not alone in life - I've got an amazing husband, who adores me I might add. Hehe. :) He has shared with me three beautiful gifts from Heaven, two sons and a daughter. We also have a wonderful extended family, who we are indebted to in so many ways! And most importantly, we have our Father in Heaven, who loves each of us unconditionally and who comforts and guides us when we seek Him.

Since I can remember, I've never really understood "my place" in life. I know that we all have a purpose. I've just always felt a bit like I've been on the outside, looking in. I've always been the shy, awkward girl. At least socially. Funny thing is, I'm not so sure that's the perception others have of me. I grew up with good friends, good family, good experiences. I played sports, took music lessons, went to school (except for when I didn't - shhhhh). :) I was even a cheerleader in High School. That's the ultimate, right? Totally kidding! The thing is, I've never been completely comfortable in my own skin. I've always been quiet and shy (thank you, Dad!). In fact, social situations often give me anxiety. It's exhausting!

Through the years I've given a lot of myself to others, which hasn't always paid off (hoping I've earned lots of stars in Heaven!). Growing up, I got along with most everyone, but I really kept a small, close circle of friends. When high school came to an end and we all went separate ways, it was really hard on me, especially because relationships changed. So...the guarded me became even more guarded. In college, I spent most of my time with my sister, who is 10 years older and was and still is married (not to discredit her coolness, she was just in a different phase of life). If I wasn't at school, work, or hanging with my sis, I was hanging with my boyfriend (at the time). Though he and I were really good friends, we were from different worlds in so many ways. He wasn't shy, like myself, but he was kind of a home body, so we didn't do much socially together. I talked to my peers in class but never once went and hung out or partied with any of them. Partly because I'm not a partying kinda gal, but also because I could never quite come out of my shell. Not sure I regret that, but I can't help but wonder what friendships I missed out on.

With the exception of my husband, I really haven't allowed anyone to get close to me in years! Thank goodness for my family. A girl still needs a good friend, though. Someone to confide in, a shoulder to cry on, a lunch date, someone to listen to, to laugh with, to love. A sister by choice! Guess I'm taking applications. ;)

I attended a funeral yesterday, and it made me ponder a lot of things. If I were diagnosed with a terminal cancer tomorrow, would I be able to find peace with the person I am? The young lady who's life we celebrated yesterday was only 33, a mother of one, and a friend to so many. Her best friend spoke about their childhood days together, and I couldn't help but think about my childhood best friend. Her and I are still friends today, but distant friends. Life happened, circumstances changed, we drifted. I truly believe that people come in and out of our lives for good reason and when we need them (or they need us) most. Even with that knowledge, it saddens me that I don't have a friendship like that today. It's mostly my own doing, I'm sure, so I'm trying to step outside the box. To love myself and to gain a better understanding of who I am, so that eventually, I can allow someone else to do the same.

I recently got a wild hair and on a whim, agreed to sign up for a relay race. I have never enjoyed running. I mean N-E-V-E-R. But I agreed. Partially because I need an excuse for some "me" time, partially because I know the exercise will do my body good, and partially because I need to take myself outside my comfort zone in order to grow. Let me tell you, spending 48 hours in a van with a bunch of girls I don't know very well all for the sake of running is DEFINITELY out of my comfort zone. I'm really nervous about it, but I'm also excited. I think it will be a huge growing experience for me on many levels. I will keep y'all posted on my progress as I continue this journey.

I'm hoping that through my journaling, I will find answers about myself, about life, about purpose. I've always been "ok" at most things, but I've never felt like I was GREAT at anything. This has hindered me and some of the aspirations I've had. I get so close to taking a leap of faith in something, than pull myself back before taking the jump. The fact of the matter is this, there will always be someone more talented, someone better educated, someone more spiritual, someone better looking, someone funnier...the list goes on. I'm learning, however, that that's ok! We all have our own story to write, and we can do it at our own pace. We all need to support one another and encourage each others strengths. I want the world to be a better place and in order for that to happen, we all need to be the best that we can be. I read a quote recently that struck a chord.

‎"At a tender age I discovered that it isn't doing spectacular things that makes you remarkable in the eyes of God, but instead, it is when you light just one candle to dispel a little bit of darkness that you are doing something tremendous. And if, as a global people, we put all the little bits of good together, we will overwhelm the world." - Archbishop Desmond Tutu

I love that. There is so much truth to it. I think we often pass judgement on people without thinking for one second what their circumstance are. I'm guilty. But if we remind ourselves that we all have a purpose. We all have strengths. We all have weaknesses. We all have a story. If we think of those things, maybe we can be the light in someone's day that they wouldn't have otherwise had. And if we light up the world, one candle at a time, it will be so worth it.

I have so many thoughts and as always, never enough time, so I'm going to bring this post to a close. Mainly for myself, I want to list some traits that come to mind about myself. I invite anyone reading to do the same. Take a look at who you are, what you'd like to work on, and challenge yourself to become the best YOU possible. Here's another quote that I've always loved (you'll soon learn that I'm kind of a quote geek).

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself instead of a second-rate version of someone else." ~Judy Garland

I think I've remained pretty true to myself throughout my life. I just haven't allowed myself to spread my wings completely. I guess I've always been a bit afraid that my wings wouldn't open if I jumped. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith, though. I hope that I learn to do that very thing, so I don't miss out on something or someone the Lord intended for me to enjoy.

Who I am today, March 18, 2011:

A Daughter of God (but also of amazing earthly parents)

A Sister

A Wife

A Mother

A Friend (and a work in progress)

Quiet/Shy

Vulnerable

Positive

Kind

Giving

Loving

Quirky

Strong

Emotional

Lazy at times...overly ambitious other times.

Not a follower, but not really a leader, either.

Ok, I'm sure there is plenty more, but my brain in starting to hurt. =oP

To REALLY close this time, I have to share one more quote. Not only does it go along with this post, but I've randomly come across it a few times over the last week, so I must share.

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." - Albert Einstein.

Lets learn to stop judging and start embracing each other. Together, we can change the world!